


You're a wizard, Hitler

by lil_ishi



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, World War II - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Historical Inaccuracy, Lime, M/M, Please Don't Hate Me, Time Travel, World War II, i regret things, im fucking tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:47:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22995676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lil_ishi/pseuds/lil_ishi
Summary: Basically a Hitler x Stalin fanfic but Hitler and Stalin are wizards and Harry Potter travels back in time to get it on with Winston Churchill and Bilbo Baggins wins the war.
Relationships: Adolf Hitler/Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill & Harry Potter
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	You're a wizard, Hitler

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: No, I do not actually own Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Winston Churchill or Harry Potter.  
> I also don't mean to make fun of all the tragic events that happened in World War II. Hitler and Stalin are monsters, I get that, but I think we glorify them too much. I think what they'd really hate is not being taken seriously, so it's not like I'm trying to make it look like they WEREN'T bad guys.  
> Also this started out as a joke, but then I didn't want it to seem like I was trying to hard to be funny, so I toned shit down a bit and it's a bit more serious than I was expecting. Also there's SPICE (nothing lemon), so I mean if you don't find it funny maybe you're into that shit
> 
> Basically it's kind of terrible but I spent a lot of time researching for this crap so I didn't want it to go to waste
> 
> Ah yes, before I forget, remember that this is HISTORICALLY INACCURATE. No, Stalin did not actually get it on with Hitler. Churchill did not, in fact, love Harry Potter. Bilbo Baggins did not win a war. Sorry to disappoint.
> 
> SORRY FOR TERRIBLE FORMATTING this is my first and I dont know how stuff works around here
> 
> I don't fucking know why I did this

Josef Stalin stood outside the doors of the Berghof (Hitler’s home in the Obersalzberg of the Bavarian Alps near Berchtesgaden, Bavaria, Germany. Other than the Wolfsschanze ("Wolf's Lair"), his headquarters in East Prussia for the invasion of the Soviet Union, he spent more time here than anywhere else during World War II). It was early August, 1942.  
Hitler peered out of his window to see Josef (or JoJo, as he called him when things got roasty toasty) standing outside. He made an order for the door to be opened.  
Stalin stormed into the grand hall, visibly angry. “Adolf--!”  
Guards, both German and Russian, intercepted Stalin.  
Hitler raised his hand. “Genug.”  
The German guards faltered. Stalin nodded, attempting to regain composure, and the Russian guards followed.  
“Verlassen uns.” Hitler said, motioning for Stalin to follow him into the vast dining room. Leave us.  
Stalin repeated the order in Russian. The guards looked at each other and left apprehensively, none wanting to question the orders of their master.  
Stalin raged forward into the room, banging his hands down on the table. It would have made any other man flinch, but Hitler, a man of anger himself, merely shut the door, pulled up a chair, and sat down.  
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Stalin shouted at him, grabbing him by his collar. When the two conversed they reverted to English, a language they both could understand.  
“What is it?”  
“Stalingrad, you big fat fuck! Stalingrad!”  
“Ah, yes.” Hitler put his hands over Stalin’s, which were still grabbing onto his army jacket. Stalin’s still looking angry, released his grip on Hitler’s jacket and slammed his hands on the table again. Hitler looked away.  
“It’s nothing personal—” Hitler began.  
“Of course it’s personal! Who do you think you are, sending troops into my homeland?”  
“I didn’t have a choice! It’s all for my country, Josef! I have a duty to fulfil!” Hitler cried, stroking his funny little mustache for comfort. “Josef—”  
“How could you?” Stalin said. There was a moment of silence. “Look at me, god damn it! Look at me!”  
Hitler looked up at the older man.  
“How could you do this to me?” Stalin said, dangerously softly. “I know our countries aren’t getting along so well at the moment, but I would have thought—"  
“I had to.” Hitler stood up, and put his hand on Stalin’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. You would have done the same.”  
“I just thought—I thought I was more important than this. Your work.”  
“It’s got nothing to do with you—with us!” Hitler insisted, tears springing up in his eyes. He had a soft side, a side he could not afford to show anyone else besides his dog – not even his wife. He must uphold the image of a strong leader always and forever. But with Stalin, he could afford to shed a tear or two—show his human side. But the world would never allow it, of course, and so the two always met in secret, never to be recorded in the scrolls and tomes of history, never to be learnt by the children of tomorrow. “JoJo—”  
“Don’t call me that.” Stalin turned away, harshly brushing Hitler’s hand off of his shoulder. He would have ended it there himself, out of rage, but he knew that he could not lose the special bond he had with Hitler. Sure, he had a wife, but she was nothing like Adolf. In a way, Adolf reminded him of his first wife, Kato – he had that sensitivity that he would show no one else. But neither of his wives could have ever matched that passion, that raw, wild energy that Hitler seemed to possess.  
“My country was my whole life,” Hitler whispered. “It was everything. But if, tomorrow, you were to conquer the Third Reich, would I hate you? No, JoJo, I would not. Until I met you, I thought there was nothing more important than my country and my dog. But if I were to lose them both to you, I would overlook it.” Hitler paused, placing his mouth next to Stalin’s ear. “All for you.”  
Stalin turned around, unmanly tears in his masculine, hard-set eyes. He cupped Hitler’s face in his hands and drew the shorter man close.  
“Wait.” Hitler drew back. “There’s something I have to tell you first.”  
“What is it?” Josef asked, breathing quickly.  
“You’re a wizard, Josef.”


End file.
